The Lemures Files
  Guest Article: February 26th, 2002

Sailor Moon: The Scout Who Shagged Me

By: Myrna-chan

Notes: If you're a teensy weensy bit confused, I suggest you read the first part, Sailor Moon: International Scout of Mystery (Lemures, May 2000). This is a multi-anime crossover. Austin Powers, Sailor Moon, Child's Toy, Ranma 1/2, Fushigi Yuugi, Ah! My Goddess and Kimagure Orange Road characters all belong to their respective owners. This is a fanfic which uses the characters without permission, but I can do whatever I want. I'm EVIL. :P


Dubbing was well under way for "new" episodes of the darkest season, Sailor Moon S. To our surprise, the dubbing was NOT done by Dic, but by Toei's North American Branch, Cloverway. The dubbing job was no less than what we expected. Tons of inconsistencies, pop-culture references, sucking out of any emotion in any scenes, changing Japanese culture and food so they'd be more familliar to us, BAD censoring of homosexuality, horrible names, and horrible new voices.

Doctor Evil, Frau and Number 2 were calmly discussing the new episodes. Dr. Evil had left Dic Enterprises disgusted at the fact they picked up the animated Sabrina T.V. show and had since taken over Cloverway Inc. Because the dubbing was not handled by Dic, (and their janitor) he had to hire some more people to do the dubbing for him. When Number 2 inquired about who, Dr. Evil replied, "Just about every eediotic popular anime female lead out there!" (cackling) Suddenly the fanfic faded into a cheesy-looking watery flashback...

"So...Ms. Kurata, you want to help me on my EVIL Sailormoon S dub?" Dr Evil asked.

"Hai! Hai! Sana-chan has lots of the qualities needed! I trained at the play company called Komowari since I was 5! But I will work your voice actors HARD! I WILL GIVE THEM NO SECOND CHANCES!" Sana then got pulled out of the room by Hayama. Dr. Evil called to her, requesting she begin work June 12th, which may explain why the series was so rushed...

[Fades into another cheesy flashback]

Dr. Evil filed through his papers. "Ms...Shampoo. What are your qualifications?"

"Shampoo is very strong Amazon. Shampoo hate Ranma. Shampoo speak very good English. Shampoo give you Kiss of Love if you defeat me. Shampoo give you Kiss of Death if I defeat you."

Dr. Evil looked blank. "YOU'RE HIRED!"

[Another cheesy flashback. Keep count on these things, cause I might forget.]

Dr. Evil tapped his pen on his desk while he waited for Miaka to stop eating. "Ms. Yuuki, what are your qualifications?" he said impatiently.

Miaka swallowed her food. "Well, I'm also known as Suzaku No Miko. By being a total idiot, I managed to gather the 7 seishi and summon Suzaku. I also fell in love with Tamahome and broke up with my best friend Yui and pined for them through the whole damn series! Oh yeah...I nearly got raped but I got saved by Suzaku!" She then went back to stuffing her face. Dr. Evil was going to ask why she told him her life story, but gathered Miaka was stupid enough to think that her story was her qualifications.


Dr. Evil was hungry so he decided to order a pizza. He accidentally dialed the Goddess Hotline and Belldandy appeared in his wall. He fell off his chair in surprise, then Belldandy flashed him a sugar-coated smile.

"What is your wish, sir?"

"My wish? I'd like to be master of the whole universe." Belldandy asked the Gods upstairs if his wish would be granted. Skuld gave her a big bonk on the head for being such a ditz.

"Um..your wish has not been granted. Instead, I will help you with your dub." *sugar coated smile* Suddenly the cheesy flashback faded back into reality.

Dr. Evil pressed a button and the sliding door opened, and in walked Kurata Sana (Child's Toy), who was rapping with her Nori-Nori machine, Shampoo (Ranma 1/2), who was wondering how she was going to explain this to her Amazon tribe, Yuuki Miaka (Fushigi Yuugi), who was stuffing her face with food, Belldandy (Ah! My Goddess), who was giving a sickeningly sweet smile, and Hikaru (Kimagure Orange Road), who was pining for "DAH-LING!"

Number 2 blinked. "Wait a did you hire Hikaru?"

Dr. Evil cackled. "I'm a distant relative of the Kasuga family. She'd do anything to get near her Kyosuke. Don't see what she sees in him, though." Number 2 pouted. He had wanted to see Madoka in that flashback.

They formed a nice neat line, and then sat down on their respective seats. Frau and Number 2 fainted due to the sudden drop of average I.Q. level in the room.

"WAAII! I'm in charge of all the really strange Pop Culture references!" Sana said without any hesitation or manners. "Shampoo's in charge of censoring violence. Shampoo make Kaolinite give Tuxedo Mask Kiss of Love and Shampoo make Sailor Moon give Kaolinite Kiss of Death."

Dr. Evil blinked. "Isn't Kaolinite supposed to be in love with Dr. Tomoh?"

"Shampoo change it all! WAHAHA!"

Miaka stood up and started to speak with her mouth full. "Im suffposted to changemm any Japammese culmmpture and fmmood to Ammmericanff culmmpture." (swallows) "Can't have kids seeing Japanese people driving on the wrong side of the road. They'll go to hell!"

Dr. Evil was so disgusted he pressed the button to make Miaka's chair blow up. Suddenly there was much cheering.

Shampoo sighed. "Shampoo guess Shampoo has to replace her. Shampoo know guy called Stu Levy who's looking for job."

Dr. Evil shook his head. "I already tried him. He always was trying to Mixx things up with the dub. He wanted to call Serena 'Buns.' I said, 'Yes, she does have nice ones, but we can't say that on T.V.' He also tried to add pop music as background music in the scenes showing Tokyo." [Okay, that was an obscure joke.]

Dr. Evil coughed, indicating that they should go on.

Belldandy flashed Dr. Evil a sickening smile, then said quietly and politely, "I'm in charge of making everything sugary sweet and cute. *smile*"

Dr. Evil gagged and pressed the button again. Since Belldandy is a goddess, nothing happened.

Hikaru jumped out of her seat, hugged Dr. Evil, and said in a horrible nasal voice, "I'm in charge of sapping any emotion or romance out of the scene, DAH-LING! Remember the Sailor Box?" She sat back down.

Everyone patiently waited for Dr. Evil to press the button. "No...we need the romance and emotion sucked out."

"Now we know who did what, let's discuss how the dubbing was done." Dr Evil swivelled around on his chair.

Sana got up and produced a cage with about 10 chipmunks. They each had a colour-coded ribbon around their necks. "So we can tell them apart." She held up a rabid squirrel with a white bow. "This *wince* is Serena." We're going to give her some painkillers so her acting will improve. She then picked up one with a navy ribbon. It was half dead. "This *eew* is Amara." She placed Amara back in the cage. The one with the aqua ribbon bounded over to Amara and started to rub against it.


Hikaru picked up Amara. Amara bit Hikaru and was promptly thrown in the garbage.

["Wait a minute!" yelled the readers. "Did you throw Amara in the garbage, or Hikaru?"]

"Amara," replied Dr. Evil. ["OH, DAMN!" yelled the readers, in unison.]

"I guess we'll have to replace her," Belldandy said calmly.

"I can do it! I learned how to voice-act at Komowari!" Sana was raising her hand and practically screaming.

"Alright, Sana, you can play Amara. Won't you sound too feminine/young? And don't you know that Amara HAS no lines in the SuperS season?"

"Who cares? We're evil!" Sana then went into a rap about how they were going to be so much more evil than Dic.

Work it out, Cloverway-chan!

(Work it out, Cloverway-chan!)

Dic picked up Sailormoon straight from Japan

They did a crappy job and changed Zoicite to a woman!

But now we've picked up the dub we're sending it down to Hades

And you know of course we're turning Fish Eye into a lady!

We'll give the senshi nasal voices so they won't sound too real

And this is how we're going to destroy Sailormoon's appeal!

Work it out, Cloverway-chan!

(Work it out, Cloverway-chan!)

Do Amara's voice, Sana-chan!

(Do Amara's voice, Sana-chan!)

Gonna make you sick with this little crap dub!

Everyone applauded Sana.

"How right you are, Sana. I want to discuss WHY you didn't change what I told you to change. You changed what I changed to something completely different!" Dr. Evil replied. He was ready to press the 4 remaining buttons.

"We changed it because we wanted to surprise you, DAH-LING!" Hikaru squealed. A window cracked. [You should have thrown her out when you had the chance, grumbled the readers.]

"Let's take a look at what you changed. I wanted to call the Outers after the names they were given on the Irwin doll boxes, Corrine, Nerissa, and Celia and for Hotaru, just calling her Jennifer because that's what Mixxine called her.. Instead, we have Amara, Michelle, Trista, and Hotaru. It made no sense for you to change 3 names but left one alone."

Sana opened her mouth to speak, but was interrupted.

"You also couldn't decide what Kaolinite's name should be. How hard is it to figure out the difference between Kaorinite, Kaori, and Kaori Night? Why did you give stupid name like Telulu? Why is Mistress 9's laugh so annoying?" Dr. Evil continued.

"Um.." Sana tried again.

"Why did you make the Outers' transformations Star Power? How hard is it to translate English into English? Why did you cut out the most important episode in the series, just because some daimon's tits were hanging out? Don't you know I WATCH this show?!" Dr. Evil paused for breath and started panting with the effort of complaining.

"But Dr. Eeevil...we only did it because it was evil! We did it for you, DAH-LING!" Hikaru simpered.

Frau and Number 2 had just woke up. Must have been the sounds of more windows cracking at the sound of Hikaru's icky voice.

"You missed the fun, Frau and Number 2. However, I won't let you miss this." He pressed the 4 buttons and the girls' seats ejected out the window. Surprisingly, they all survived. Stupidity never dies.


"Shampoo no like this! Shampoo want to do better job on Super S!" Shampoo moped around sadly while Sana was rapping, Hikaru was talking, (which is torture enough) Belldandy was looking sweet, and Miaka was limping, looking charred.

"Hey! I thought Dr. Evil killed you?" Sana inquired.

Miaka flashed a peace sign. "He didn't kill me. I was just hurt very, very, badly. So, when are we going to finish this dub? I want to see my Tamahom-EEEEEEEEHHHHH!"

A few more windows shattered, but didn't crack. Hikaru made a dumb blonde statement then said in her REALLY annoying voice, "Your Tamahom-EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHHHHHH???!!!!!!!!" At this ear-splitting sound, ALL the windows cracked and broke. Sana sweatdropped and picked up the cage with the chipmunks in it.

Sana produced a notepad and pencil. "Let's see, now...we'll change Raye's voice actress yet again...we'll call Amy's last name 'Anderson' just to make some inconsistencies, since we've already called her 'Mizuno', switch between 'Moon Gorgeous Meditation' and 'Moon Gorgeous Kaliedoscope' episodically, keep the same new attacks but make them have the same names as their previous ones, use Planet Power instead of Crystal Power occasionally...any more inconsistencies we can make? How about some references to Cosmic power?" Sana tapped her chin with the pencil. Miaka took the notebook and started to draw food on it.

"Are we going to do any digital painting? The Amazoness Quartet's outfits are kinda revealing. We can't just cut out all the Quartet episodes like we did with episode 119," Belldandy said with sugar-coating.

"Shampoo no like digital painting. Shampoo just leave Quartet as they are. Shampoo lazy." Must I say who said that?

Miaka was quickly cutting out any scenes that she could, and rubbing out body lines, and for some reason, adding bits of food in the background of the scenes.

"Why are you doing that?" Sana asked.

"I'm hungry," Miaka replied. Sana sighed. "Do you think of anything else?"

Miaka then went to work on changing any Japanese culture to North American, while Shampoo cut out humourous scenes. Belldandy played with the colour of the pictures so they'd be sugary pink, which was overkill since Chibi Usa is in practically every scene. Hikaru sapped out any emotion and cracked the windows some more. Sana changed the lines that so they'd have pop-culture references, and naturally forgot about Palla-Palla's 3rd person speech habit. Shampoo censored any violence, even Usagi beating a rug with a paddle. Miaka gave the chipmunks rabies shots and got them neutered because they seemed to be biting and romancing each other. We all know how 'evil' homosexuality is.

Everything seemed to be the way it was when Sailormoon S was dubbed. We can only imagine that Super S will be the exact same way. But there's nothing we can do about it. We can only pray that Stars will never be touched, no matter who does the dubbing, because we will never be happy, because no dub can be exactly like the original. Oh well!

MUAHAHAHAHHAHA! MUAHAHHAHAHAH! MUAHHAHAHHAHA! (The 5 girls come up behind me and start laughing) MUAHAHAHHAH! (window cracks) MUAHAHHAHAHAH! (window breaks) MUAHAHHAHAHAHAHHA! (parody ends.)


Comments on this article can be sent to: Myrna-chan.

Comments made on this page are opinions of the author. They are not necessarily shared by Tripod and the Amazoness Quartet.

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