The Lemures Files
  Guest Article: May 28th, 2000

Sailor Moon: International Scout of Mystery

By: Myrna-chan

It was a normal day, a boring day, just another day for a Dic rep. He was surfing on a normal site, a boring site, just another site petitioning Sailormoon S being dubbed. They cried out for less cuts, no changes to Haruka and Michiru's relationship, and to stick to the original plot.

"Muahahahahah! They expect me to dub the series yet keep everything the same? Muahahahahahha! I'm too EVIL for that!" the Dic rep cackled.

Just then, the P.A. system turned on and his secretary relayed this message:

"Mr. Evil,"

"That's DOCTOR Evil to you. I didn't spend years in an evil medical school to be called Mister."

"(ahem) DOCTOR Evil, a rep from the Cartoon Network is here to see you."

Dr. Evil put a finger to his mouth, pulled out his little torture switchbox, then replied, "Send him in."

An ugly woman charged in then slammed the door.

"Why, Frau, how nice to see you!" Dr. Evil said in his most sarcastic voice.

Frau growled then yelled, "THESE STUPID SAILOR MOON FANS WANT MORE! I'M TIRED OF BEING WRITTEN TO BY 5 YEAR OLDS SAYING THEY WERE SENT BY SOMETHING CALLED S.O.S.! LET'S JUST DO A DUB OF THE NEXT TWO SEASONS AND END ALL THIS!"

Dr. Evil put his finger to his mouth again and calmly replied, "I thought there were three seasons to do, Frau."

"THOSE SAILOR STARLIGHTS ARE TOO FREAKY! I'M NOT PUTTING THAT ON MY NETWORK!"

Dr. Evil thought for a few seconds, then motioned for Frau to sit down.

"If we are to dub the series, we will need money."

"THAT'S NO PROBLEM! IRWIN'LL PAY FOR EVERYTHING!" Frau yelled.

Dr. Evil smiled evilly, and said, "Well then, we'll have to charge them (camera close-up) ONE MILLION DOLLARS."

Frau turned around and called to the door, "NUMBAH TWOOOOO!!!!!" A man with a patch over one eye walked into the room. Number 2 shifted his eye then sat down.

Dr. Evil spoke. "You are the Irwin rep, I presume?"

Number 2 thought, then replied, "Yes. I am in charge of all the evil toys. Those really BIG dolls and those made-up items were my idea." Dr. Evil cackled.

"Wonderful! We'll need you to make a Sailor Saturn doll, a Mistress Nine doll that keeps on growing hair that you can cut, more Moon Sceptres, Death Busters and Dead Moon Circus dolls, and make up some more crap to soak more money off the helpless parents."

Number 2 wrote down this list. "How about a crappy plastic red rose we can pass off as Tuxedo Mask's rose?" Number 2 asked.

Dr. Evil nodded. "And don't forget a cheap horse painted white so we can call it Pegasus."

Frau was getting bored. "Alright, enough about the toys, how about the episodes? What are we gonna call Sailor Chibi Moon?"

Dr Evil put a finger to his mouth then said, "I shall call her..Mini Moon. Who's the guy in charge of dubbing?" Frau pointed to the slow-witted janitor. The janitor took out a notepad and wrote down Dr. Evil's suggestion.

"Whut about dat skinny guy with da glasses and noooh face?"

Dr. Evil thought for a few seconds then said, "Skinny Bastard. Call him Skinny Bastard." The janitor wrote this down. "We'll keep all the other names but mispronounce them hideously. Kaolinite will be Kaori Night, Eudial will be You Deal, Mimete will be Me Mat, Tellu will be Telephone, Viluy will be Computer Lady, Cyprine and that other girl will be called Double and Trouble, and Mistress 9 will be called Miss Lady."

The janitor wrote this down. "Whut about dat sexy gothic chick..Hotareyou?" "Call her some three-syllable name. I don't care." The janitor thought for a second, then wrote down Jennifer.

"Whut are we gonna call the attacks?" Dr. Evil opened up a dictionary, flipped through a few pages, then pointed a finger at a random word.

"World Shaking will be Uranus Aluminium Planet Crush." He did the same thing again. "Deep Submerge will be Neptune Wave Splash." He did it again. "Dead Scream will be Pluto Pink Ball of Energy."

The janitor wrote this down, then asked, "Whut about those new thingies? You know..the talismans." "Just leave them the same. But call the Holy Grail the Coffee Cup and the Messiah the Ultimate Being. Don't wanna offend those sensitive people with other religions, right?" The janitor nodded and continued writing.

"Whut ah we gonna do about that dark 'ol plot thar?"

Dr. Evil thought, then spoke. "We'll cut out Raye's dreams, just give her the old 'bad vibes' explanation. We'll call the Heart Crystals the Energy Crystals, call the Death Busters the Negabusters, and just completely rewrite the scenes that mention the Armageddon." The janitor wrote this down, then tried to think of anything else to cover. Dr. Evil nodded and said, "Anything else that we can't change, just cut it out."

The janitor nodded, wrote this down, and said, "Whut about those voice stahs? Are we gunna use the same ones?"

Dr. Evil nodded, then replied, "Except for Vince Corazza, who plays Tux. We'll get Mike Myers to do his part, and change all his in-depth speeches into 'These Sailor Scouts are shagadelic, man!' and 'Takin' people's energy just isn't groovy, baby.'" The janitor nodded, then exited.

Frau and Number 2 had long since fallen asleep. Dr. Evil cleared his throat loudly and they woke up. "Now we've got the dubbing part settled, I'll need a little bit of.." He pointed out his hand and rubbed it to signify that he wanted money.

Frau wrote out a cheque for $10 to buy the series. "WITH THE WAY YOU'RE GOING TO DUB IT, THAT'S ALL IT'S WORTH!" She got up and left. Dr. Evil put the cheque away, then looked at Number 2. "I'm expecting my (close up) ONE MILLION DOLLARS." Number 2 opened his suitcase full of money. Dr. Evil grinned, then started laughing.

"MUAHAHAHAHHAHA... MUAHAHHAHAHHAHA....... MUAHAHHAHAHAHAH.... MUAHHAHAHHAHHAHHA... wait. What about Pop-Tarts?"

Number 2 laughed. "I'm a step ahead of you. Pop-Tarts are putting out a Pink Sugar Heart Attack flavour." Dr. Evil started laughing again. "MUAHAHHAHAHAHAH... MUAHAHHAHAHAHAH... MUAHAHHAHAHAHAH... MUAHAHHAHAHAHAH.." (fade out)


Comments on this article can be sent to: Myrna-chan.

Comments made on this page are opinions of the author. They are not necessarily shared by Tripod and the Amazoness Quartet.


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