The Lemures Files
  Guest Article: December 3rd, 1999

How do I thank thee, DiC?

By: Rebo Valence

After reading the Lemure, "Thanks, Dic: A Sailormoon Story," I realized that DiC is God, really. Hey, they dubbed Sailormoon, we have no right to tear them down! If they hadn't dubbed it, we'd never hear about it, right?

However, saying merely "Thanks, DiC" isn't enough. They did a LOT to bring Sailormoon over, right? So I'd better be more specific. Thank them for ALL the things they did to Sailormoon! So, here we go!

Thanks DiC, for:

  • Changing all that horribly, orchestrated music to synthesized music that any old fool with a keyboard could play.

  • Simplifying the complex character of Rei into the simple Raye, who hates Serena's existence. Hey, we Americans are too STUPID to understand Rei's emotions for Usagi, right? I mean, if you hadn't cut it, people might think they were GAY or something! Or they just wouldn't understand. But now that she's a total snothead, it's easier for us to comprehend.

  • Changing every single line in every single episode, and even changing the plot lines of most.

  • Moving Minako to a more background role. Such a ditz is a bad influence, and her horrible actions should never be shown. Nor should her terrible relationship with an older man! Thanks for cutting out her episode in the first season as well. I mean, who wants character development, right? You know the kids are only watching it for the action scenes!

  • Turning Luna into a British nanny. Now children will enjoy her by comparing to the motherly Mary Poppins, and enjoy the show EVEN MORE!

  • Censoring all the NAUGHTY stuff! You know, why should they have put it there at all? Let's just remove it, it's not like they see it everywhere else, right?

  • Removing that NAUGHTY relationship between Zoicite and Kunzite. Zoycite and Malachite is a wholesome relationship, right? I do hope you'll eventually do the same for Haruka and Michiru.

  • Eliminating all elements of Japanese culture. Well, you did leave it in on signs and such, but you're not PERFECT. Why would we want anyone to learn about Japanese culture, right? Those Japs are just out to ruin our American industry!

  • Using such KEWL new slang terms that nobody else in their right mind has ever used! Now our children can impress their friends with new valley girl lingo!

  • Removing the death scenes for the last two episodes of the first season. Children should NEVER see death! Especially on television! They'll never se it in the movies either, especially in other wholesome, deathless films such as The Lion King.

  • Removing other deaths as well. That "sleeping spell" in the last 17 episodes you dubbed, that was a stroke of genius!

  • Removing the religious references. Can't offend them, doncha know!

  • Removing most signs of any real deep story. Children don't WANT story, they want ACTION! They're not smart enough to comprehend it, right?
Yes, I'm sure there's even more to thank you for, DiC, but I've run out of ideas. Thank you for royally screwing over that show for all of us.

[Note: This article is SATIRE. No, I don't sympathize with DiC at all. Don't write to me complaining about the terrible things DiC did, or how narrow-minded I must be, or appreciative letters thanking me for sticking up for DiC. Please. The last bit of satire I wrote, which was last summer, was taken seriously.]

Comments on this article can be sent to: Rebo Valence.

Comments made on this page are opinions of the author. They are not necessarily shared by Tripod and the Amazoness Quartet.

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