How do I thank thee, DiC?
By: Rebo Valence
After reading the Lemure, "Thanks, Dic: A Sailormoon
Story," I realized
that DiC is God, really. Hey, they dubbed Sailormoon, we
have no right to
tear them down! If they hadn't dubbed it, we'd never hear
about it, right?
However, saying merely "Thanks, DiC" isn't enough.
They did a LOT to
bring Sailormoon over, right? So I'd better be more
specific. Thank them
for ALL the things they did to Sailormoon! So, here we go!
Thanks DiC, for:
- Changing all that horribly, orchestrated music to
synthesized music
that any old fool with a keyboard could play.
- Simplifying the complex character of Rei into the
simple Raye, who
hates Serena's existence. Hey, we Americans are too STUPID
to understand
Rei's emotions for Usagi, right? I mean, if you hadn't cut
it, people might
think they were GAY or something! Or they just wouldn't
understand. But now
that she's a total snothead, it's easier for us to
comprehend.
- Changing every single line in every single episode,
and even changing
the plot lines of most.
- Moving Minako to a more background role. Such a ditz
is a bad
influence, and her horrible actions should never be shown.
Nor should her
terrible relationship with an older man! Thanks for
cutting out her episode
in the first season as well. I mean, who wants character
development, right?
You know the kids are only watching it for the action
scenes!
- Turning Luna into a British nanny. Now children will
enjoy her by
comparing to the motherly Mary Poppins, and enjoy the show
EVEN MORE!
- Censoring all the NAUGHTY stuff! You know, why
should they have put it
there at all? Let's just remove it, it's not like they see
it everywhere
else, right?
- Removing that NAUGHTY relationship between Zoicite
and Kunzite.
Zoycite and Malachite is a wholesome relationship, right?
I do hope you'll
eventually do the same for Haruka and Michiru.
- Eliminating all elements of Japanese culture. Well,
you did leave it
in on signs and such, but you're not PERFECT. Why would we
want anyone to
learn about Japanese culture, right? Those Japs are just
out to ruin our
American industry!
- Using such KEWL new slang terms that nobody else in
their right mind
has ever used! Now our children can impress their friends
with new valley
girl lingo!
- Removing the death scenes for the last two episodes
of the first
season. Children should NEVER see death! Especially on
television! They'll
never se it in the movies either, especially in other
wholesome, deathless
films such as The Lion King.
- Removing other deaths as well. That "sleeping spell"
in the last 17
episodes you dubbed, that was a stroke of genius!
- Removing the religious references. Can't offend
them, doncha know!
- Removing most signs of any real deep story. Children
don't WANT story,
they want ACTION! They're not smart enough to comprehend
it, right?
Yes, I'm sure there's even more to thank you for, DiC,
but I've run out
of ideas. Thank you for royally screwing over that show
for all of us.
[Note: This article is SATIRE. No, I don't sympathize
with DiC at all.
Don't write to me complaining about the terrible things DiC
did, or how
narrow-minded I must be, or appreciative letters thanking
me for sticking up
for DiC. Please. The last bit of satire I wrote, which
was last summer, was
taken seriously.]
Comments on this article can be sent to: Rebo Valence.
Comments made on this page are opinions of the author.
They are not necessarily shared by Tripod and the Amazoness Quartet.
